...that can be guaranteed.
We have nothing on auto-pilot anymore, despite every day seeming the same. No events to pivot around. The moment something feels like we have a handle on it, it morphs.
How can it nearly be a year since the first lock-down loomed, we were having Parents' Evening where we wondered whether we should shake hands like we normally do, where we looked people in the eye and spoke without masks. This time round small video conferences, so much lost in translation and very little we can say, we have no idea how Ofqual are going to require evidence. We can make no promises, many kids are struggling with the isolation and disconnection. I am too, despite often being socially inept I adore company. The chance interactions that lead to new ideas, connections, collaborations that happen naturally.
I have adapted and changed; like a surfer, I watch to see the swell coming, and try to stay in front. Most of all I have discovered that I actually like myself; that I can look myself in the eye. I have to be my own best friend, to look after myself and interests, I permanently live with me so I must treat myself as kindly as I treat those I love!
Despite that many of my adventures have be postponed, or reconfigured, and that my freedoms have shrunk beyond what I could have initially imagined:
My spirit is healing
My self mastery grows
My resilience expands
My ability to advocate for my needs is stronger
I notice, I pause, I wait, I think, and I take action.
But sometimes I still am triggered...
I feel the heat rise, the tightness, memories flood up, I sense the knee-jerk responses. But now I remember to breathe deep into my bones, I slow, recognise they are thoughts, but are not me.
People frequently say I'm a bit mad, or nuts, bonkers, crazy, weird and more; and that makes me quite lucky.
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Lots of new 'in-ventures' are brewing, more to follow in next Dlog but first an 'official challenges' miniSITREP:
Still planning for JOGLE in May Half Term, I plan and prepare as if it is going to happen, and will continue doing so until either it happens or it doesn't.
- Have put a down payment on my new bike for the big ride. Then during a snowy walk on Monday I spotted a cyclist with the same make, we chatted, Strava indicated later she had usurped me as the Local Legend, anyway what I liked was they'd stopped, we'd chatted, she had the exact make/model/size bike that I'm getting, she mentioned her partner's book on riding long distances, I looked it up and ordered it. She is a long distance rider, she's also bagged a few of my QOMS, usually on km 97 of some whopper ride. We connected via the internet and she'd already passed onto the lovely local bike company that she had met me... turns out she is a brand ambassador. Can't wait to meet this set of wheels, rather enjoying the book too. Happenstance with open eyes, moments of serendipity.
Have amended my survival course plan. Instead I'm planning on undertaking the WimHof Ice Method, I reckon being able to deal with cold exposure is a pretty useful survival skill. I did the week of cold showers in Jan 2019, and have done many many cold sea swims/surfs but this is a ramping up. I needed to take some action to overcome the angst I was accumulating due to lack of freedom/coast time/etc. I have just done day 8 of my wheelie bin dips; temps have been 7, 3, 1, and then 5 days of 0°C. The last four have also had an ice top. Today the ice was over an inch thick; I stabbed a hole in the ice using the temperature probe and l then used the bread knife to cleave it in two! The most painful thing was cracking my patella on the ice during my entry. Both sides of ice bobbed vertically along side me during my very quick counting.
Night one... before the temperature plummeted, a balmy 7 degree Celsius...
Tonight pre sawing and knee clonking.
ps. I don't mind at all when a LL or QoM is taken, as long as they are not slyly e-biking but claiming full pedal section!
pps. I got a little bit written about: https://hothouse.substack.com/p/conversation-is-the-solution-to-anxiety